So today is Friday ...
I feel as though I am lost in some vortex and I can't get out.
I am not functioning to my optimal and I feel like I have a mountain and pressure built up on my body.
There is a few things happening on top of the normal stresses of every day life.
James is unwell. Now I have literally had James in the doctors office weekly for a few months now. He has had a raspy voice for months, he was unwell on and off during this time, no fevers though so no need to explore the need for antibiotics.
Anyway last weekend he had 4 days of fevers that only hit from 4 pm onwards. It was a long weekend so I got him to the doctor on Tuesday to have him checked out.
The doctor we saw took swabs of James nose and throat. James was also placed on antibiotics, woo HOO cue the god damn fucking hyperactive, crazy ass child... antibiotics and James are NOT friends.
So school was cancelled, therapy cancelled... EVERYTHING cancelled.
Now, I love my child, I truly do BUT when he is on antibiotics and has NO outlet for his energy, I become a less loving CRAZY lady.
I will happily tell you I am ONE stressed out mother farker who is tightly bound in stress that if you look sideways at me I am ready to unleash.
Just ask my husband, he will tell you.
No cool, calm and collected here!
Anyway so after a week of wonderful together time and sickness, I get a phone call from the GP.... she needs to see James.
So I pushed for the results over the phone because quite frankly I am NOT in the mood to go to get two hyperactive children ready, fight them to get in the car, fight to get into the doctor, ETC you get the vibe.
So she tells me that James' swab came back positive for:
Parainfluenza type 4 RNA.
So it's a rare strand of virus and people who have shattered immune systems need to be careful.
So with my new found knowledge of James Saab I have to contact immunologist, neurologist blah blah blah.
So neurologist said it's a common strand for this time of year.
Yes we have to worry about James and hope he recovers quickly, BUT Scarlett is the concern...
Scarlett has PANS/PANDAS, an autoimmune condition triggered by virus, infection, environmental, toxins, well pretty much everything.
So when her immune system is triggered, rather than the antibodies fighting the infection or virus it attacks her instead. It attacks the basal ganglia.
These episodes are called Flares.
Every child flares differently.
Scarlett's flares include 4 motor tics, vocal tic, severe separation anxiety, food refusal, inability to know when urinating.
So my neurotypical little girl who is perfectly normal on every single level until she is in flare. The flares scare me... her first onset a few weeks ago still lingers and haunts my soul.
My child literally woke up a different person.
Ticcing and the rest of the horrendous symptoms.
Scarlett is on immune modulating antibiotics at the moment but even still I can see the onset of a flare about to spring upon us.
So this is really the core of my tightly wound stress.
It's really difficult to juggle autism and all it's demands. Therapy, schooling the 5 million sheets of paper work that come with it AND now that the NDIS is coming in that's ANOTHER HUGE stress.
Add Scarlett and that's where my 'go get em' energy is shattered.
This is why things that are not so important get shoved to the side. Like cupboards and drawers etc. this is what upsets me too when I see these people having lattes daily, able to maintain a perfect house, time for hair and nails etc.
And this is where I insert the number one quote I must remember and live by:
"Comparison is the thief of all joy"
Today is just ' one of those days' where I sadly reflect on the 'perfect family' image that I thought would be. I always have these days. They don't last long, because I remember how incredibly special my children are and how much I love them and think they are perfect the way they are.
It's also ok to have these days, filled with anxiety, stress, sadness and imperfection. Because these moments make us stronger.
Tomorrow I will be stronger. Today I am allowing myself to be a sad miserable sod,