Do you ever just sit for a moment and think, 'who the hell am I'?
I just did.
As I sit here with my second cup of coffee by 11am on a Spring Saturday morning.
I wonder where that carefree, spontaneous spirit formally known to myself, has gone?
Today I am a 33 year old old with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders daily.
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a additional needs mother
Today for example I am not allowed to stand, sit, toilet, shower, leave the room or even speak.
The control of my 4 year old autistic son is in full force today.
And with that comes sadness.
I am so far into the grind of additional needs parenting and just life in general that I don't know who I am.
I am like a mothering robot.
They say jump. I say how high.
I am a waitress to their demands.
My days are manic crazy.
Yesterday I joked that I was like a 'manic ping pong ball'.
I ponder whether I will find myself again.
I know the version of myself has evolved but will I matter again?
I am in a funk.
A funk that I know many mothers experience at different times.
This is my day.
Perhaps I should head out for some much need 'me' time.
Where I can dictate where I walk, how I walk and what pace I walk.
Don't get me wrong, additional needs parenting is magical.
But it's hard.