I don't normally pop on over here on a Sunday but hey... like I always say ASD doesn't sleep so neither should my blog.
It has been an incredibly hard morning with James!
You know you go along for so long and everything is seeming great, they are happy most of the time, limited controlling, no stimming, developing language and gaining new skills and then you have days like today! Real ASD days.
We had guests coming today, Scarlett's godparents and great friends.
I had prepared James all week so he was expecting them.
James was having such a horrible time by 9am that Theo and I decided to take the kids out to grab a cake, we also went to check out the arrival of the first ever cruise liner docked at Port Kembla, Radiance of the Seas. James was fine the whole ride in the car until I popped in to get the cake.... then disaster! He wanted to hold the cake. He wanted candles. He wanted to get out of the car. He wanted to go to the shops. He kept screaming for a trolley (trying to direct us to Wollongong shops).
So we went.... I sent Theo off because he was already stressed out. I wrangled both kids (one screaming the carpark down) into the trolley. In the midst of James full blown meltdown I could feel eyes watching me.... I turn around and there is a woman standing in the middle of the car park, not near a car just staring at me..... I said ' What the fuck are you looking at'.....
I don't feel bad at all for lashing out at this woman. How dare she stand there and stare at me with such judgmental eyes and a screwed up face! She had no idea what we had been through.
Why do people do that? Why do they just stare?
So I continued all the way to my coffee shop with a screaming trolley....
I ordered my coffee whilst the screaming continued.
The owner of the coffee shop has two children on the autism spectrum, they are older, 16 and 13 but she gets it. She had her son talk to James and he calmed him down. It was so nice to get my coffee and have someone thats been where we are relate.
We left the coffee shop and James continued screaming the centre down, went to Coles to get the candles he wanted. He says 'now go home'.... thank FUCK!
We got home, guests arrived and we have had a great afternoon.
What I am saying is, although we climb 10 stairs these days (today) take us 6 steps back.
I can let it get me down or I can just except that this is part of the process, dust my Mummy nerves off and bloody keep pounding those stairs like no set back has happened.
People think we have it all together and I am always getting such wonderful praise about how inspirational I am.
Today I am beat. ASD has grind a little more at my soul.
Wine and chocolate cake will be my vice today.
Thank you for always listening.
This is my therapy. Writing here almost helps me to make sense of a world that doesn't make since.
People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them. For you all I am grateful.